Oh the drama!

Why is there always drama online?  I don't do drama and I try my hardest not to cause drama.  I am a mod in an induced lactation group online. I was appointed many months ago.  It's a great group of ladies only.  So I posted a few days ago about positions to "feed" your partner/spouse, etc. Seemed like a very valid question and something that is not off-topic.  Well, early this morning, another mod sends me a message and writes,

"We've lost about 40 members in one day. I wasn't sure if you'd banned some or if a bunch just left. Now here is the sticky part - they're gone since your post about partner positions. I think it's a valid post, but it may have been really insensitive, especially being a moderator. So many of members are doing this on their own.

Could you let me know please, and please know that I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I just know that XXXX is off on her vacation - so I didn't want to ask her.

Hugs."

Really????  As if MY question about positions was the reason 40 or so members left?  I felt attacked.  I don't think it was insensitive at all - there are women in all stages if inducing. Some alone, some with partners.  As you know, I did it completely alone in the January.  There are posts about all sorts of things that someone might find offensive.  I don't need to be blamed for a bunch of people leaving the group. Nice way to attack me, lady!!!  And ending it with "hugs"???  I don't think so.  She's already alienated a few people - she's a relatively new mod.  I think she wants to just take over.

Anyway - I am over it.  

I used the proper size breast pump flanges today.  What a difference.  I think I got more milk into the bottles and more sprays while pumping.  Definitely good things, and when I stopped pumping, I put my mouth on my breast and the right one gave me a big spurt of milk.  :)  This is positive progress.  I am very happy.  I hope to get better volume soon - better than what I had before.   I don't need a lot, but I want enough, if that makes sense.  

Snacking through the night.

That's what my husband was doing.  That is supposed to be great for the supply.  We did 9:30, 11:15, 1:45AM, 4:00 AM and 7AM.  Almost got caught at 7AM.  My son was still motionless and sleeping from what I saw on his monitor in his room, but - about 5 minutes later, I heard his door open and then he appeared in our bedroom.  Fortunately, it's dark in our room and I am covered and he doesn't see anything.  I know he'd ask what Daddy was doing if he saw something.  I hate when he barges in, but locking our door overnight is not an option.

I asked my husband if he minded that I woke him up three times in the night to snack and he told me not at all.  :)  He can do it while almost sleeping and so can I.  Yesterday, I nursed him to sleep.  hah! I feel so powerful in a very different way.  My super power is nursing you to sleep.

My boobs feel different though.  Like there's a LOT more going on now than yesterday.  I am feeling the need to express milk a lot more often and it's more of an intense feeling that I NEED to do it before I burst sort of thing.  I can tell they've gotten bigger.  Maybe a cup size.  Yay!  I need all the help in the bust department that I can get.  :)

I want more nursing bras.  It's so much more convenient for pumping and stuff to just release the trap door rather than pull the whole bra up or the cup down, stretching out the bra.  I always loved my nursing bras.  I wish I kept them all.  I kept two.  Maybe we can pick up another today while we're out.  I hope so.

Inadequate.

I never thought I had small nipples, until I saw the breast shields/flanges for breast pumps.  They are ginormous!!  Compared to me, anyway.  I guess that's the one thing on me that is small.  I have been pumping with the shields that came with the pump, knowing that it was too big.  So I decided to spring for some smaller ones.  The 21mm instead of the 24mm or 28mm that it came with.  Crazy that they are so huge.  Not that I've been comparing my nipples to anyone else, but I never thought they were so small.  Apparently, I was wrong.  But they worked fine when feeding my son as a baby.

My husband woke me up at 3AM to have a nursing session.  It was pretty awesome.  Shortly after that, my son woke up, crying. *sigh*  Never a moment of peace for adult time - even if we try in the middle of the night.  So I went into his room to see what was going on.  He is having growing pains. Poor kid.  So I got him situated and we did a little bit more.  A bit later, he came into our room because he had  tummy ache.  So I, being the momma, made him feel better.  By then, I was up for the day - at 4:22AM.  Yep. If only it were so easy that I could solve his problems by popping a boob into his mouth. Those days are LONG gone.

I expressed a little milk in the shower and then right afterward offered up to my husband, who latched on for about 15 minutes.  I had to get back downstairs to the kid before he came knocking on the bedroom door.  Like I said, little to no adult time here at this stage of life.  Of course, when I am wanting it MORE.

They went off to karate class (I usually take him, but since I was up since 3AM - I told my husband I couldn't and the kid insisted he was fine to go.)  and I got the pump out and pumped for 20 minutes.  I am really wanting to bump my supply up.  Slowly, it is.  It will get to where it was in June.  Starting over is not easy, but I am getting there.  This time, it's more fun with my husband's involvement.

A little time to  myself is always a nice thing.  They will be home soon, but I had a nice break.

Pumping on demand.

That is what I am trying to do today.  When my boobs tell me I need to do it, I do it.  (If I can with the kid home from school now.)  It doesn't matter if it's been 20 minutes or two hours.  I will pump. The bigger the demand, the bigger the supply. I hope.  :)  That is supposed to be how it works, anyway.

I really want a nursing weekend.  A whole weekend to do nothing but pump and nurse.  That would be amazing for the supply, I am sure.  But we'd be lucky to have one full day since the kid is usually underfoot.  I am sure we could send the kid to his grandma's house for a day, but he's not ready for overnight yet.  He tells me that.  We keep offering though.  I hope he will at some point soon.

Since starting this journey with my husband, we've gotten so much closer.  Our bond is so much stronger.  We are much more touchy and feely and snuggly than we were.  Now that I have given him permission to touch me and the "come get it when you want it" permission, it's a huge difference.

What else is going through my head?  It's time to pump again.

Today was a bust.

So frustrating.  Absolutely no time to myself today - at least, not enough to actually pump, that is.  I missed three or four pumping sessions.  I am so frustrated.  And sore.  I did manage to get a little bit out RIGHT before my son woke up from his nap, crying.  :/

I got a good spray on video though, from the right side.  That made me happy.  I love seeing it spray. There were several sprays, but I hardly ever catch any on camera, even though I try.  If I can upload it I'll link to it.  If not, you'll just have to take my word for it.  A few really big drops of milk and then the squirt, then more drops.

Tomorrow, I plan to stay home as much as possible and work on what I couldn't do today.  I don't think I have anything planned, aside from helping out at the school in the morning.

30 minutes of heaven.

My husband spend a glorious 30 minutes on my boobs this morning.  It feels so amazingly relaxing and peaceful.  He told me that he had no idea he'd be breastfeeding as an adult - he was never breastfed as a baby.  I know, I know, but we all have our kinks, right?  He told me that it feels so good and so comforting to be attached to my boob and getting milk out.  I love that he loves it.  The early morning sessions are definitely my favorite.  He's gentle and my boobs are full and it just feels amazing in the dark, quiet room.

I had a lot of spraying milk this morning in the shower.  Like, every time I squeezed the milk out, it was a spray.  :)  LOVE that.  That means, I know he's getting milk when he's hanging out on the boob.  I know that this is a very common kink for couples.... not just us.  People just don't talk about it.  It does a lot for me as well though - I feel so much better about myself.  So much more confident and sexy.  I mean, my boobs are making milk!!

I did look into donating the milk - there are places that will take it from women who induce.  Some will even pay.  There are men out there who will buy it.  I will probably never produce enough for that, but - it's an option.  Otherwise it will just go down the drain, if my husband doesn't take it.

If I had pinkeye...

I'd be all set!  I just sprayed myself in the face - twice.  Once on each side.  :)  This sort of thing makes me giggly and giddy.  It's awesome.  I look forward to more of this spraying.  It is happening more often now and I know it's just a matter of time until I can spray just about every time I squeeze my breasts.  My husband finally was able to taste the milk.  He was also able to get milk out on his own.  Yay! He has to learn, though, that you don't have to stretch my nipples in order to do it.  He'll learn.

My son told me that I smell nice.  He smells milk, I think.  I smell it, so I bet he smells it.  He told me he wanted to sit next to me because I smell so nice.

Cleaning pump parts isn't much fun, but I do like seeing what has been expressed.  Not much, but - each day, it's a little bit more.  It's all so exciting.  I am counting down until my husband gets home so he can get his leche from the source.

This totally explains it.

I found this post online in a journal.  It explains the adult nursing completely - how it is for me.  The difference is, I have milk working its way in more and more on a daily basis.  This is totally it for me.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Incredible Closeness

We are reaching the end of week one of our dedicated nursing routine. We haven't managed to get as much nursing time as we had hoped, but I regularly nurse him each morning and each evening before bedtime. We're managing about fifteen minutes on each breast in the morning, and a bit more at bedtime. Occasionally we've managed a 2am nursing, but haven't quite woken up each time! The feelings are so very difficult to explain in simple words. Its brought us so much closer emotionally and physically. For me, it is a complete feeling of submission and love and tenderness. When I hold my breast up so my nipples reaches his lips, I know I am surrendering myself to both tenderness and pain, but most of all, I know I am providing pleasure. At night, it has become the ritual that gives us time to unwind and relax and provides complete "us" time. By the time bedtime nears, I feel my breasts becoming sore with their need to be suckled and I find myself hurrying to get into bed. Our nursing relationship has uncovered so many unknown benefits. Its made me feel sexier and more proud to have nice heavy big breasts that seem perfect to carry milk. Its also made me feel more secure in my role as wife, and given me new ways to bring pleasure to my husband. But apart from the sexual benefits, having my breasts suckled relaxes me, and gives me the best nights sleep I've had in ages. Often I find myself dozing off while he still suckles, drifting in and out of sleep while he alternates from one breast to the other. My breasts feel full and soft but we don't have any milk coming yet, but I suspect we need to increase the frequency of nursing as its supposed to mirror the frequency of nursing a child, which would be 4-5 times a day. With work and other commitments, this will be difficult, so for now, we are content with dry nursing. The milk will come, and the pleasure will likely double at that time, but we're in no rush.

Favorite moments.

Some of my favorite moments are the early morning nursing sessions.  My husband woke me up around 4:45 AM to nurse.  It was amazing.  I love it.  He makes me so happy when he does it.  I just can't describe the way it feels.  I can practically go back to sleep when he's latched on.  It's definitely a happy place for me and I know it is a happy place for him.

My husband took the little boy out for a few hours, so I could have some time to myself.  So I took a shower and then pumped.  I finally had enough milk to make it to the the bottom of the bottle. Enough to actually move around in the bottle when I tilt it.

I took a picture of my husband latched on to my breast last night.  Such a sweet photo.  :)  I am not in it, except for my boob, but it's so sweet.  No, I am not posting it in here. It's not for the public to see since, even though his whole face is not in the photo, I still don't know where it may end up online.

Ameda Pumping 10-18-15

I look forward to our next session of nursing when our son is in bed for his nap.  I can just sort of think about it and I can feel the stabby, tingly letdown feeling that I get whenever I need to express.

Waiting.

Waiting for my husband to get home from work is so hard to do.  I know he is feeling the same way. I squirted twice out of each side again.  I expressed big, white drops into a little cup.  Definitely not a lot, but it's something.  We've only really been at this for a week.  It will increase as time goes on and more lattes are consumed.  :) Yes, "latte" is my replacement for "suckle" because I really hate that word.  So I am ready to share a latte with my husband.

I am taking my battery operated pump so I can pump in the car this evening while I am waiting for my appointment.  In case I start getting uncomfortable and sensitive and FULL feeling - even though I am really not full, perse.

15 - 20  minutes and he should be home.   The kid is napping... I am bursting against my bra seams. Unleash the twins!!!  Soon.  I hope.

Oopsie!

Well, we were almost caught last night and this morning.  You run that risk when you have a kid. Even though he was in bed (both times) - or supposed to be - he managed to come into our bedroom. Thankfully, he didn't see anything.  That is the last thing we need - to have to explain ourselves to our five year old and possibly have him tell his teachers and grandma and anyone else what he saw. Don't need that.  So the husband was doing his thing on my boobs and the kid came in.  Ugh.  So frustrating.  Locking the door?  No, can't do that.  He was supposed to be asleep - it was after 10PM and before 6AM when this happened.  Grrr.

I squirted twice today - both sides.  I was so excited.  I was in the shower and I "aimed" at the shower door and there it was.  Small, quick squirts, but squirts none the less.  Yay!

I need for the kid to take a nap soon.  I am not forcing him to take one right now though - because if he goes down a little later, he will sleep a little later and I can get some nursing action when my husband gets home from work.  I have a meeting to go to tonight, so a little sucking would be wonderful.  I think about this all day long.

I met two really great ladies who are also into this adult nursing thing.  They are on the FetLife community.  We've connected quite well and are sort of in the same place with our journeys.  It feels nice to have real people to talk to about it and celebrate with instead of just writing a journal entry. Of course, I talk to my husband about it and stuff, but this is different.  These are women who are inducing and nursing their men or playing with their men.

I hope we don't get interrupted tonight or tomorrow morning.

Happy Anniversary - here, suck on these!

It was my wedding anniversary.  A pretty big one, last week.  So I wanted to give my husband something special, but not spend a lot of money that I don't have.  So, I decided to tell him about my desire to induce lactation (again) and invite him to join me.  I was so nervous, I had no idea if he'd be into it or just think I was nuts.

Now, this is a pretty common thing for a husband to have a fantasy about.  Especially if they've watched their wives breastfeed.  So I put it in a card - a note, not my breasts.  Ha! I was nervous all day and finally gave him the card in the evening before the kid went to bed.

Wow.  He was SO turned on by the idea of sucking my tits.... and getting milk.  So turned on.  He responded with a raging wood and said, "BEST GIFT EVER!"  And over a week later, he's still responding the same way.

He's so into this adult "nursing" thing.  I had no idea.  I find it to be so enjoyable and so much better than doing this all on my own, in private.  He wakes up in the morning, before his alarm, to "nurse". I really hate that term for it - I mean, it is what it is, he's sucking on my milky breasts, so yeah.  But it makes it sound weirder than it should.  Anyway, he wakes up a little bit early and spends about 20 - 30 minutes on my breasts.  His hands wander down to my clit and he likes to rub that while he suckles.  (Another word I HATE.)  It feels so nice to have him there.  It's incredibly relaxing. He then gets into the shower and after he gets dressed, he sucks a little bit more and then is off to work.

When he gets home, if the little one is napping, he will spend some time on the breast and again at bedtime.  I have told him to come get it whenever he wants it.  I am loving this.

My breasts feel so sensitive and "full" even though there's not much more than a couple spurts of milk in them - before he does it and so much better afterward.  It's a big difference in how they feel.  I am very much aware of my breasts and nipples all day long.  I am constantly thinking about our next nursing session.  I love it.  I hadn't expected to love it this much.

There's  not much milk yet.  I get sprays - one in the shower today, a couple last night - and once in my husband's face.  Each day, the milk production is increasing.  LOVING it.

Continuation from Mind Junk...

I decided to start a new space for my writings about inducing lactation.  My older stuff can be found in Mind Junk. I will link to it.

http://clickytop.blogspot.com/

I took a break through the summer from inducing and started up again in October. :)  The adventure has been amazing!  Stay tuned.